Me: What’s the difference between the standard and deluxe shine?

Wry shoe-shine guy: Three dollars.

The new Zappos-sponsored security tray ads have a lot of travelers asking “Why didn’t I think of that?” while passing through New York area airports.

But rather than promoting travel-friendly shoes, bags or laptop cases, Zappos has decided to use the clever medium to pitch the breadth of it product lines, like home goods (above) and cosmetics.

So now I’m confused: Should I buy my new electric coffee pot from Zappos or Amazon, its new parent company? And will Zappos continue to sell what I really want to buy from them—shoes?

As the two companies work behind the scenes to merge their world-class customer service and logistics capabilities, they need to differentiate their brand strategies, too.

Trying to be all things to all people is a sure way for both companies to get booted out of consumers’ screening lines.

Maybe it was just the dreary weather. Or the culmination of a draining year. But it sure was a down-in-the-mouth week for so many people I know.

I even got a “Dear Customer” letter from Big Earl, my hometown trash hauler:

“I really do not want to end our business relationship. However, I have been experiencing many health issues. Just this summer alone, I was hit by a drunk driver who maimed me for life, was rear ended by a tractor trailer while sitting at a traffic light and suffered a head injury at the Monroe dump as I was separating metal from the rest of the items in the dumpster.”

Despite all that, Earl ends his letter with a cheerful thank you and rousing pledge that, no matter what, he will always be Monroe’s “Dumpster King.”

C’mon, Friday: I’ll take whatever you can throw at me. I’ve got my Earl on today and you can’t touch me. 

Photo by Kevin Steele on Flickr.com, (cc) some rights reserved.

I attended an inspiring panel discussion (#digistrat) yesterday morning at McGraw-Hill to launch a new digital media strategy book authored by Paul Argenti and Courtney Barnes.

Among the more stirring take-aways, via Barnes: Companies that are still not convinced about the importance of social media “will be irrelevant tomorrow, if not already today.”

Perhaps Google Sidewiki will help awaken those dinosaurs, because the new tool (launched in late September) allows anyone to attach comments directly to your website without your consent.

Surprisingly, few ax grinders are wielding the weapon yet. Most of Sidewikis I have seen are generally positive (like this one on The Wall Street Journal’s site), posted by marketers who hope to connect their names to popular websites and brands, like remoras on a shark.

Companies won’t be able to control these conversations. (Welcome to the world of social media.) But you may have a chance to moderate them or establish the tone, if you get involved.

I suggest you start by launching your own Sidewiki today, before one of your vocal critics does.

My modest blog gets 200-300 unique visitors a week. Last week, I got more than 1,000 hits in less than an hour.

The reason: David Pogue, über-tech-columnist for The New York Times, retweeted a note that I sent to him about teaching adults how to sneeze (you can piece the exchange together above).

I didn’t send Pogue the note to increase my exposure. (And perhaps he knew that, too.)

But the lesson is clear: Marketers need to focus a whole lot more time and creativity targeting “influencers” to reach their target audiences more cost effectively. (Thanks, David!)

A spider has never bitten me or wished me ill will. And yet the mere sight of one sends me running for the bug spray.

Today, on the other hand, hundreds of ladybugs swarmed my house, and invaded my kitchen, and pelted my head as I tried to catch 30 minutes of fading sunlight on a glorious Indian Summer afternoon.

And all I could think: Gee, isn’t that cool?

If that’s not the power of a great brand name and product design, what is?

Photos by peasap (left) and DanieDVW (right) via Flickr.com, (cc) some rights reserved.

As it turns out, even Don Draper strikes out. (Well, in business, that is.)

A couple of episodes ago, the sharply dressed adman got dressed down by Conrad Hilton (as played by Chelcie Ross, above) for not delivering what the increasingly eccentric hotelier wanted—the moon.

While many Mad-o-philes argue online that Connie meant that literally—after all, he told Don that he planned to put a Hilton on the moon someday—I’m pretty sure it was a metaphor.

Draper’s presentation was “good,” but it didn’t deliver the “goodness” that Hilton wanted his growing hotel chain to represent.

Don was selling fluffy towels and ice water when Hilton was looking for a more culture-defining brand idea—something still a bit foreign in the whiter-than-white, slogan-slinging ’60s.

Like every creative who has endured a CEO’s histrionics, I know exactly how Don felt. It made me appreciate the kindest slap in the face I ever got:

“I just don’t love it as much as I would like to.”

Ruth Reichl, editor of the now defunct Gourmet, says magazines as we know them are toast.

That’s certainly the conventional wisdom. But at least one magazine continues to thrive (without the help of McKinsey & Co.)—National Geographic.

In fact, ad pages for the November issue of National Geographic were up 21.2%, compared with a 19.2% decline for the industry.

On top of that, NatGeo and Fox announced last week that they’ll be launching National Geographic Wild to complement the already popular National Geographic Channel.

So what do the not-for-profit execs at National Geographic know that the starving-for-profits NYC publishing industry doesn’t?

Simple: NatGeo is managing a brand with a mission (“inspiring people to care about the planet”), not a magazine. And that’s led to a diversified portfolio of high-quality products that support each other.

Could Gourmet have done the same? Maybe, if it had broadened its focus beyond selling ad pages to luxury marketers. Perhaps some brand-savvy entrepreneur will still rescue the foodie bible from the compost heap.

Michael Pollan, watch your back. The high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) industry is out to get you—and every other vocal HFCS detractor.

The HFCS industry has launched a tough-talking campaign (see sample ad above) to win back the sweet affection it so truly desires. Peel away the husk and you’ll see a textbook example of communications strategy at work:

BECOME THE VICTIM. High-fructose corn syrup isn’t the bad guy. It’s a victim of malicious lies being spread by “big sugar” (yes, they actually use that term in a press release).

CHAMPION CONSUMERS. The HFCS industry has created the “nonprofit Center for Consumer Freedom” to mask its self-serving effort. Give me corn or give me death!

REFRAME THE ISSUE. This isn’t about how inexpensive, government-subsidized corn sweeteners are contributing to an increase in obesity and Type 2 diabetes. The issue is that HFCS and sugar are “nutritionally equivalent.”

CAST DOUBT. Fund research that contradicts prevailing HFCS “myths,” creating enough doubt in consumer’s minds so we all go on eating whatever we want, whenever we want.

Now just put all of that together in a slightly-homespun-looking website called SweetScam.com, and you have one of the slickest counter communications campaigns I’ve seen outside a political election.

Now get your hands off my high-fructose-corn-syrup-frosted flakes.

A lot has been written about Pepsi Amp’s puerile “Amp Before You Score” Apple iPhone app this week.

If you haven’t seen or read about it, the app gives pickup lines and other advice to guys for “scoring” with women of various stereotypes, like those depicted above. 

So far, Pepsi has tweeted an apology—“We apologize if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback”—but the company hasn’t taken the insulting app down from the Apple store.

Employing the “Axe defense,” a Pepsi spokesperson explained, “The application was designed to entertain and appeal to Amp’s target.”

If the public outcry isn’t enough (and it should be), here’s one more reason Pepsi should “scrap the app” today: The campaign’s juvenile personality is way off brand.

Amp has increased its sales in a declining market through authenticity, not randy locker-room humor, ala other brands that target young men.

Oh, and by the way, “nerd girl” pick-up lines like “Your mouth says, ‘Shields up,’ but your eyes say, ‘A hull breach is imminent’” aren’t funny anyway.

Roger, my beagle/basset, does what all dogs his breed do: He follows his nose. Unfortunately, that means anywhere, including the farm across the road from where we live, where all the really awesome smells are.

After some debate, my wife and I decided to buy an Invisible Fence system for our property, so we wouldn’t have to take Roger out on a leash so often.

The system works, infallibly, but the training process was painful, and we felt guilty about putting a shock collar around his neck.

It didn’t help either that Invisible Fence called its product a “containment system,” which sounded an awful lot like a pet penitentiary.

Yesterday, my latest collar battery replacement came in the mail with this reassuring messaging on the envelope: “The brand vets recommend most for dog safety and freedom.”

Wow, Invisible Fence isn’t a containment system at all. It’s Roger’s ticket to greater freedom, demonstrating how a single word can totally reframe how a product is marketed and perceived.

Now if only all of my guilt trips could be expunged as effortlessly.

Volkswagen and its agency Crispin Porter & Bogusky split earlier this year, as the automaker seeks to retool its image in the United States.

VW is said to be aiming for greater “mass appeal” (Washington Post) and is now searching for a more “mainstream agency” (Advertising Age) to achieve its goals.

Dear Volkswagen US: Don’t do it. Driving down the middle of the road is the surest way to get run over.

Instead, tweak the quirky brand you and your agency have so cleverly created. So instead of just being “fun,” build your brand around the idea of “socially responsible fun.”

The odd thing is, you’re already doing that in Sweden, as this fabulous “Piano Staircase” video (above) attests.

The idea that “social responsibility doesn’t have to be boring” has endless creative possibilities, and would allow you to carve out a much larger U.S. market than all the cupholders in the world ever will.